Heartthrob Defender, Sieve Defender and a Lion Without a Mane

You know that feeling when you think you've seen it all? That life has already shown you every possible combination of glory and embarrassment? Then Brazilian football comes along and presents you with a script with more twists and turns than the final season of your favorite show. This weekend's match was a spectacle that not even the best Hollywood screenwriter could have imagined. We had a legendary defender supposedly trying to innovate tactical formations in his personal life, a defense so open it should have charged admission, and a team that decided to remove the show's star mid-episode, only to see ratings plummet. Get your beer ready, settle in on the couch, because the analysis of this week's game is about to begin.

The Gossip of the Round: Is Discipline for the Weak?

Cleaning in Pici: Fortaleza Tries to Cancel Its Own Meme and Pays the Price

Fortaleza, in an act of courage or madness worthy of study, decided to press the "mute" button on its most... folkloric player. Coach Renato Paiva, with the patience of a Tibetan monk, announced Deyverson's suspension for disciplinary reasons, explaining that "the kid gets lost in these things." We understand, sir. Who hasn't? The problem is that, apparently, the entire team is lost without him. Without his massive dose of chaos and unpredictability, the Leão do Pici took the field and... lost themselves too. The result: a narrow and insipid 1-0 defeat to Mirassol, at Castelão Stadium.

The burning question remains: what's worse? A striker who celebrates a goal by winking at the camera or a strike that doesn't even pose for a photo? The Lions' board wanted order and progress, but received boredom and defeat. The lesson is: sometimes, the asylum needs to be run by the madmen themselves.

Flood Alert in Laranjeiras: Fluminense Defense Declares State of Public Calamity

Friends, what's happening with Fluminense's defense? The Tricolor's defense has conceded no less than eight goals in the last three Brasileirão matches. The last performance was a 4-2 loss to Red Bull Bragantino, a scoreline that made fans long for the days when the only problem was the attack. The absence of Thiago Silva, who is recovering from an injury, seems to have turned the Tricolor's defense into an open-door playground with an all-you-can-eat buffet for opposing attackers.

The impression is that the defenders are strictly following social distancing, each one two meters away from the nearest player. If this continues, the club's next major sponsor will be a demolition company, since they're already doing the work of tearing down their own defense for free and with frightening efficiency.

Shameful Colorado? The Direct Connection Between Fence Jumps and Conceded Goals

And speaking of distractions, Internacional took the field against Cruzeiro just days after some of its players were involved in an alleged "collective adultery" that leaked online. Coincidence or not, the team lost 2-1 and displayed a worrying apathy. The lesson for the locker room: perhaps it's better to focus on closing the gap... on defense, of course. Apparently, the only man-to-man marking that's working at Beira-Rio isn't on the field.

The Joke Scoreboard

Enough gossip, let's get to the facts. Or almost. Here are the results that really matter, with commentary you won't read on any serious website (thankfully). After all, analyzing a 0-0 draw without making jokes should be a crime.

Table: Results of the 21st Round of the 2025 Brasileirão

• Red Bull Bragantino 4 x 2 Fluminense: The score says it all. Fluminense went to Bragança Paulista with their defense in "welcome, this is your home" mode.

• Cruzeiro 2 x 1 Internacional: Inter, perhaps with their minds elsewhere, forgot to play and handed Cruzeiro the lead. A Minas Gerais victory with a sense of "focus on the game, guys."

• Grêmio 0-0 Ceará: If you were having insomnia on Saturday night, Grêmio and Ceará offered the cure. A 0-0 draw as thrilling as reading a medicine label. They say the ball asked to be replaced at halftime out of sheer boredom.

• Bahia 2-0 Santos: Bahia did their homework against a Santos side that appears to have left their good football behind at Vila Belmiro. A comfortable victory for the Bahian team, who played with the seriousness of those who have bills to pay at the end of the month.

• Vasco 2-3 Corinthians: At São Januário, Vasco scored the famous "illusioned goal" twice, but Corinthians, in a rare moment of collective lucidity, decided that the week's crisis had already reached its limit. A comeback to remind Vasco fans that hope is the first to die, but the horn is eternal.

• Juventude 1 x 3 Botafogo: Botafogo went all the way to the cold of Caxias do Sul and didn't bother Juventude. A solid victory that shows that the Rio de Janeiro team, unlike others from the same city, seems to have its defensive GPS switched on and working.

• São Paulo 2-0 Atlético-MG: São Paulo provided relief for its long-suffering fans, who were already on the verge of forming a support group. A 2-0 victory over Atlético-MG served as a calming agent. For at least a week, Atlético-MG fans could walk down the street without fear of being happy. Or of being mocked.

• Today's games: And tonight, the fun continues with Palmeiras vs. Sport and Flamengo vs. Vitória. Get your beer and memes ready, because excitement (or anger, depending on your team) is guaranteed.

The Bar's Verdict

Ultimately, the round taught us three things: 1) The best defense is sometimes a good lawyer. 2) Discipline is important, but a goal from Deyverson in the 48th minute is even more so. 3) Brazilian soccer is the best reality show in the world, and best of all: it's every week, and we don't have to pay pay-per-view to see the gossip. Until next time, my friends!